I saw a quote on Instagram (where some of my greatest thoughts are provoked LOL) that read “girls always trying to rush you into a serious relationship like we didn’t just meet in 2002” and I won’t lie, it got a good laugh out of me. But realistically, it’s not very funny. There’s actually nothing comical about waiting for years, or even months at a time in hopes that someone you’ve grown to care for will commit to you. I know dozens of women who dated men for years hoping it would eventually blossom into something serious before actually mustering up the strength and clarity to finally cut the cord. If we haven’t been the victim of it, we’ve victimized someone else. You know, where they really are feelin’ you, but can’t be with you until they graduate….. and find a job…. and build a house….. and figure out how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Amongst some of the most valuable things you own such as your feelings, your worth, your confidence – your time is at the top of that list. Quit wasting it.
Over time it seems like the term dating has become nearly intangible. Our generation has become so comfortable with the safety net that comes with “talking”. The convenience of having someone when you want them, yet the freedom of not being held accountable for anything that they may expect would make it hard for anyone to commit. Talking was a stage created to encompass all the things that benefit the person who has the ball in their court. There are so many steps prior to actually being in a relationship you can’t foresee whether you’ll ever make it into one, especially when people can add and remove steps as they see fit.
These are things that need to be discussed early on. Unquestionably, there’s a process to getting to know someone before deciding whether you’d like to pursue a relationship with them. But after the “I like you’s” are apparent, there’s also an appropriate way to discuss where your relationship has the potential to go. We’ve been made to feel as though if we’re vocal about what we want or expect too early on, we’ll run the person we’re dealing with away. But that same mind-frame can very well backfire on you should you wait to speak up about what you really desire. Guess what? If what you’re looking for is enough to scare the person that you’re dealing with, please let them run. You’ll save yourself so much time and a ton of peace. I don’t care how often you two talk, I don’t care how nice they are to you, I don’t care if y’all have unprotected sex. None of those things are a non verbal agreement to commitment. Two people liking each other isn’t enough to assume that this person has plans to ever be with you, it needs to be talked about. The importance of upfront intentions is unparalleled. Be clear about your intentions and require the same.
Do away with the notion that you are committed to someone after 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years of talking. Time encompasses no authorization for relationships. There’s no exclusivity involved unless that’s what has been discussed and it’s official. So many of us, men and women, are convinced that if we relax, just chill, or wait things out that one day the person we’re dating will want to finally be with us. How long are you really willing to “go with the flow” in hopes that eventually you’ll get someone who’s been hesitant to commit to you to finally give in? A person who’s uncertain of whether or not they want to be with you one month in, will likely feel the same one month later. Whether or not someone wants to be with you will always be their decision regardless of if you choose to give them less or more of who you are. You can’t change anyone’s mind.
If all else fails, keep it simple. Send a note. Will you be with me? – check yes or no.
I love all of your posts, but this one right heeeeeeeerrrreeeeee was right on time.
Sometimes we just need a small reminder in order to pick up and keep it movin’. Best of luck babe!
Thank you for this article! I recently went through this and asked what his intent was with our situation -he told me I was making drama and was reading too much into the situation between us although we had been dealing with each for many months. I was hurt and disappointed but also relieved that I could stop wasting my time and energy into someone that did not want the same thing as me. Time spent does not equate to being a relationship!
You’re absolutely right Vanessa. Disappointment is natural because we want what we want, but we also have to put ourselves first. When someone makes you feel crazy for wanting to know what his plans are with you, drop him and quick. Thanks for reading! Xo
I actually don’t sympathize with women who aren’t empowered enough to walk away. The whole point of dating is to test out a relationship as a trial run for something serious. Chemistry aside, if a person is not getting what he/she desires for long-term goals in a relationship, it should be reason enough to walk. Period. You can’t really blame people for being non committal, you can only blame yourself for not listening to the signs. Women probably have more options but rarely do they realize it because they don’t want to go through the drudgery of “starting over” or “they become attached”. After being single for three years, and dating multiple people, I’ve realized that time spent is undoubtedly the number one quality that’s present when someone is interested. We all deserve to be in a partnership with someone where our goals are aligned long term. The moment I realize that they aren’t, I move on without looking back!
This is probably the best comment of all time! I wish that more women thought this way, instead of constantly doubting what’s obvious and hoping for things to change. We can’t control other people, only ourselves. So if we find ourselves in a situation that doesn’t serve us, it’s our own fault for continuing to deal with it. Thank you for reading!