It doesn’t happen often, but it happens; and every now and then I get thrown off my center. It could be a relationship that needs some communication, or a stressful week at work and I’m quick to second guess what I’ve proven to be capable of.
Recently for me, it was a quick conversation with someone I knew I should’ve been done communicating with. The conversations always start friendly, but end with the both of us insulting each other for our imperfections based on resented feelings towards one another. It never takes long for the negative feelings to resurface and no matter how you tell yourself it will go, the ending is predictable and what seems like unavoidable. I’ve spent enough time apart from this person to have had the opportunity to really dissect what they’ve told me my problems are. That’s the benefit of time being by yourself, you get to get really real with what your flaws and strengths are. But because at one point this person’s opinion meant so much to me, they easily know how to hit where it hurts, snatching band-aids off of the insecurities that I spent years nurturing without their help. You will recognize these conversations every single time you have them because the end of these type of conversations will always leave you thinking to yourself, “damn, maybe they’re right”. Maybe I am overbearing, maybe I do expect too much, maybe I am hard to love, maybe I am crazy.
I ended my night feeling emotional, unconfident, and overall pretty shitty because I let someone deplete the energy that I know to protect and preserve – then woke up feeling the same way, when I know better. So I did what I normally do, brewed a cup of coffee and scrolled on Instagram looking for some sort of a inspirational quote that would resonate and help clear the haze I’m in, but that didn’t do it for me. Girl, snap out of it and quick. Walking past a mirror, I stopped to look at myself. Jay Z said it best, “nobody built like you, you design yourself.” Sometimes we need to stop looking for motivation and inspiration and remind ourselves of what we already know. On my face I could see the uncomfortable space I was in and in an instant, I set my coffee mug down and thought “come on Courtney… cut the shit”. What does this person know about me that I don’t know about myself and why am I allowing them to question who I know I am? It’s been proven this person enjoys when he can upset me because it’s then apparent he’s got a hold on my feelings and as soon as he can see that, he’s satisfied. If there’s one thing I know to be true it’s that we can’t control other people, but we can control ourselves. And when other people make us feel less than what we deserve, don’t take it personally. It’s so much more of a representation of what they struggle with than it is of who you are.
Even if it only lasts a few hours, sometimes we need to put our thoughts to a screeching halt and make a conscious effort to detox the energy you let someone else taint. Aside from my fiery personality and low tolerance for bullshit, I’m a pretty good person. I may not always go about things the right way, but my intentions are always good and that’s enough for me to feel confident in my decisions.
When the negative feelings someone brings begins to become repetitive, don’t let them manipulate you out of your good mood, focus or positive space. Some people get true satisfaction from knocking you off your center and will try to intentionally do so. Try your hardest to stay in your divine peace of mind and keep your positive energy flowing no matter who or what wants to energetically infect what you’ve got going on. So when we talk about how we’re built, you really do design yourself! How do you want to feel, what do you want to do, and are you willing to fight to protect it? The moment you let it go, you restore your power. Let them to keep those weak feelings to themselves and remain above it all.