Are Your Expectations Working Against You?

There was a video circulating on Facebook of Boris Kodjoe and his wife doing a sit down interview regarding their new talk show. They’ve been married 10+ years so every time I see these two, they’re being questioned about marriage, which is fair. I sat through the entire thing because just like everyone else, I want to know all there is to know about keeping a marriage intact. But particularly, 12 seconds of this 12 minute video resonated with me and it was when he said –

“write down all the things you want in a woman, and then you have to ask yourself the following question – is that woman on this paper gonna date me?”

Whew, that’s deep. Mainly because it’s interchangeable. Why is it that people so often require things that they can’t themselves give? I’ll be the first to admit, I had that bad when I was younger; an impractical presumption of what he had to be equipped with and a running list of what a man had to have in order to even be considered. What I had yet to realize was that I myself still had a lot of development and experience to grow through before I would even have the leverage to make such demands. Let me tell it, I had it all together when realistically, I was a working college student who hadn’t even stepped foot into the real world. The fact that my expectations were so far fetched in comparison to what I had to offer went to show my immaturity. In fact, as I matured I even opted out of a few relationships that had potential because I knew that I wasn’t an equivalent due to things I lacked or had yet to accomplish.

Now don’t get me wrong, I strongly encourage firm standards but there’s an obvious problem when you possess none of the things that you’re anticipating finding. What you can’t do is be so focused on what someone else brings to the table that you forget to take a look at yourself. What kind of man are you looking for? Is he educated, God-fearing, well dressed, respectful, honest? Well then the more important question is, are you? You attract what you are, what you receive will mirror your character and if you’re not up to par, you having those high expectations likely isn’t working in your favor. If you’re continuously attracting people less than what you desire, the concern might be with you. You’ll stop attracting certain people when you heal the part of you that once needed them. In other words, you might have some self-work to do.

“Just because you look good, doesn’t mean you’re a good look. You have to bring more to the table than a fork.”

This lesson goes beyond material things and career choices. So many of us have deal breakers that are non-negotiable, but don’t treat who we’re dealing with, with the same respect. Are you one of those people who doesn’t think twice about treating whoever you’re involved with however you want, but when they do something that you don’t like you’re ready to wash your hands of them? The older I get, the more I realize how accurate the saying “you get what you give is”. If you are going to require it, make sure that you have it to give because if not, not only are you wasting their time but you’re wasting yours.

We all want what we think we’re worth and I’d never suggest that you settle or reconsider dealing with something you know you don’t deserve, but before you even go looking for anything make sure you’d make a valuable counterpart. What I’m here to encourage, is self-truth and that includes knowing our strengths as well as what we may lack. The better you know yourself, what you’re about and what you have to offer, the less you’ll have to bargain with others to prove your value. Always start with yourself, and make sure when you ask yourself “is the man I’m looking for, looking for a woman like me?” the answer is “hell yeah”.

Now get it girl, xx.