Looking back on all that went on in 2018, I can hardly believe I survived. So much went on that the last 12 months are a blur. All of the months meshed together with big memories of buying a house, and trying on wedding dresses, to small memories of becoming a first-time manager at my corporate company and forcing discipline with fitness and health. Quite honestly, for the majority of it I felt like I could barely keep my head above water. That doesn’t take away from how many amazing things I experienced this year. But the reality of it is, as much as I know I did and accomplished, I certainly didn’t feel like I “won” 2018, even with every goal checked off of the list I made in January. I was overwhelmed with responsibilities, new and old, and countdowns for major events that kept me up at night. I had days where I felt like I was “failing” at my job on social media because a week would go by without a new post, while other bloggers were posting daily or twice a day and apparently living much better looking lives. Other influencers were getting campaigns with major brands, packages from companies I adored, and invited to places I’ve always wanted to go while it seemed like I’d gone unnoticed. I let things fall between the cracks at my corporate job because I was mentally in so many different places and it’s not a feeling I enjoy, or often allow because I’m obsessed with doing everything that I decide to do, very well. I was having to redefine balance on a daily basis, sometimes twice a day, and I wasn’t always doing it right. 2018 looked good, but at what cost? It truly tested me mentally, emotionally and physically.
I have become the woman that I am by always having a plan, a path I plan to take to get where I want to go. I create timelines for when I want things completed and I push my limits to ensure I achieve it. I did it in college, I’ve done it in my career and I’ve done it for a brand I decided to launch on a whim in 2015. I’m forward thinking and always know what I want next. I’ve created vision boards, and have practiced affirmations that I’ve legitimately seen come to fruition (the mind is powerful as hell y’all, but that’s another post). I organize my days everyday with a to-do list, a list I often wake up out of my sleep to compile in my notes. My brain always feels like it has 50 tabs open, jumping from work, to wedding, to home, to The B Werd, to my next project I told myself I’d have released six months ago, to not letting the momentum that I’ve worked so hard to create fall behind. This isn’t new to me… Yet suddenly, I feel like this isn’t the route I need to go coming into 2019. I’ve preached since the conception of The B Werd, how badly I want you to live the life you truly desire and I know for me, I don’t want to live life with that amount of pressure this year. Yes – we can do it all, but we can’t do it all at one time.
This upcoming year, I plan to slow down. I don’t plan to slow down in success or profit, but slow down in movement. I’ve worked so hard at full speed for so long to have earned the time to simply enjoy what this year has in store. I plan to wake up some Saturday’s without an alarm or a timeline of how I need to spend my day. I plan to put my phone down more and soak up moments instead of feeling like they all need to be captured to be used at a later time. I don’t want to rush through my days without enjoying them with so much to do that it ruins my mood. I don’t want to run ahead of God and insist my plans that I have in mind happen for me at that moment. I want to walk with him and allow him to unfold what’s meant for me. I don’t even want the stress of worrying about tomorrow or next week. If there’s been anything the last three years have shown me, it’s that giving your best will always result in you getting that in return. I have more faith now than ever that things will happen for me in their own divine order regardless of what’s going on, or how quickly I decide to move.
I’ve tried it all. I’ve tried waking up early, staying up late, pushing myself past my own comfortability, held myself up from unwarranted doubt and uncertainty. Some of it has felt great and some of it has beat me down. What I want for all of you is to make note of how everything you give your time to makes you feel, and do more of what feels good to you. If that means feeling more alive on your laptop than at brunch with friends; that’s okay. If it means only creating content when you feel inspired and it flows naturally, – do that. If that means no longer responding to relationships that aren’t going anywhere, don’t hesitate to do it. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself. Be kind to yourself. Enjoy yourself. Here’s to a year of successes that don’t just look good, but feel good. I can’t thank you all enough for making me “feel good” throughout this journey with your support, sweet messages and encouragement. I hope I’ve done the same for you! Have a happy and safe New Years!